Just about starting to enjoy motherhood

Just about starting to enjoy motherhood

I have never set myself up as a parenting guru. I have opinions which I readily share, but I have never professed to have all the answers. Or to having been a great parent myself. My mantra has only ever been to be good enough. I wish I were better, but I am not going to beat myself up over my maternal shortcomings. Life itself is too short for that and as long as things are good enough, that’s good enough for me. I learnt my parenting skills as we went along. And in terms of the baby era, it really didn’t come naturally at all. I’d had no experience of babies in terms of cousins, friends or family.Only what I’d seen on paediatric wards. Which isn’t the same at all.

So Ten Reasons I know I wasn’t  a natural baby mother

  1. When I found out I was pregnant with our eldest I still couldn’t stop myself having half a cigarette in disbelief and shock
  2. We didn’t buy any clothing or equipment prior to the baby’s arrival apart from a cot. No hours in baby shops  for me….
  3. When I gave birth to our eldest I had no rush of maternal instinct only a clinical overdrive to get the baby resuscitated and an overwhelming desire for a Diet Coke and some toast.
  4. I realised I had no idea what our baby looked like and feared I wouldn’t recognise him when when he was put in a ward with other newborns. Thank God for the unique forceps scar on his face  and the name tags is all I can say. They could have given me any newborn boy and I’d’ve believed he was ours.
  5. I didn’t like the first weeks s at home with our new baby. It was waaayyyyy too stressful.Even though we were both fit and healthy. it was the whole motherhood thing I couldn’t do.
  6.  I always resented getting up at night to any of them. I resented them crying when I was eating. Or watching TV. Or talking to friends. Or basically trying to do anything. I never felt a rush of “Aw, how lovely, I must tend to my baby, aren’t I a lucky Mum?” I was pissed off I had to put my drink down.
  7. I didn’t bond with our firstborn until he was about eight  months old. I didn’t know what people were on about when they talked of their bliss at being a mother. I wanted more me time.
  8. I have previously listed what accidental physical damage I did to them over the years . That surely shows a lack of something? Attention to detail if nothing else.
  9. I was always SO happy when hubby, sister, parents or friends offered to have the children. Never missed them a jot. Just loved being free.
  10. Probably the most awful admission of selfishness and self preservation and lack of maternal instinct is when I took all three to Thorpe Park and we went on a big swinging pirate boat thing. Admittedly this isn’t a babyhood story, but it is representative.  Foolishly (and with no forethought of the simple physics that means the further away from the centre you go, the wider the swing) we sat on the back row. We were not strapped in but had a bar lowered in front of us to hold on to. As it swung higher and higher I clung tighter and tighter. The children (probably about 4,6 and 7)  were loving it and let go of the bar and bounced around. I realised at that moment that if one of them started falling out I would not be able to let go of the bar to save them. They were on their own. I was glued rigid and terrified. When it eventually stopped the smallest was on the floor and the other two slewn sideways and virtually lying on the seat. They’d had a ball whilst I had been crapping myself. Which is actually how the whole ‘new parenthood’ thing had been for me.
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