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Warning; this Ode will offend the prudish

October 5, 2012

Through thick and thin

This Ode was written as I had been asked to give a speech at a good friend’s birthday. I find an Ode probably easier rather an actual speech, so delivered this.  I make no apologies for the language as it is entirely appropriate.

Ode on the occasion of Mo’s birthday

Twas a cold cold dark November day

A fair few years ago,

When a mewling pukin babe was born

And her parents called her Mo

Her childhood wasn’t fairy tale,

But had plenty that was good,

And something we’re all glad you got

Was your mother’s gift with food.

She set off to find her fortune,

Seventeen and full of wishes

Bizarrely, went to Denmark

Her employment; washing dishes,

Back home again in Glasgow

She took nursing to her heart,

It was the uniform attracted her

She’s always been a tart

Not satisfied with standard stuff,

She specialised in mental

But nonetheless she qualified

And nursing paid the rent –al

She met a man called Stuart

And soon became his wife

And best of all had Hollie

Her favourite gift in life

Not long moved down to England,

The marriage – self destruct

But luckily her friends were close

And one she starts to fuck

Gerald brings her round to meet us

And it goes without a hitch –

At last he’s brought a girl I like,

A swearing, drinking bitch

My children want her as their mother,

Coz she’s fun and fab and wild

And she cooks like Gordon Ramsay –

That’s attractive to a child

She’s organised our holidays,

Our walking witches tours

Taking time and lots of research

To keep us on those moors.

She has a gift, a way with words,

She makes the mundane fun,

In fact I think we all enjoy

Her facility with tongue,

We’ve shared some beds, we’ve shared much booze,

I really can’t be keener,

On the sparkling, witty kindest friend

With her wonderful demeanour

She’s marvellous, magnificent,

She’s everything we wunt

The best that any girl could be-

A complete and utter cunt.

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