Some things are best left to professionals

May 27, 2012

Since walking (and falling repeatedly) in the Lakes, I have been sore and aching. But it escalated out of control after doing a step class last weekend so I thought rest and recuperation would do the trick. But no. Unable to stand or walk without agony, I realised I had better go and see someone so went to a physio in the hope they would sort me out. The falls were likely to have pushed some vertebrae out of alignment making my muscles spasm to protect them and the sheer extent of over use (compared to what I usually do)  inflamed the piriformis muscles in my hip which also trapped my sciatic nerve heightening the pain that was all the way down my leg. So manipulation, acupuncture, exercises, drugs and hot water bottles are the order of the day with a 4 to 6 week recovery time and no real exercise during that period. And no sitting still for more than 45 minutes. All good so far. Still feeling shit, but hopefully less shit.

Nice hot bath this morning and then daughter suggests some deep heat spray. What a good idea I thought. We have three varieties in the cupboard. One expired in 1993, One in 1997 and one in 2002. So we opt for the 2002 version.. Only 10 years out of date. Husband is out doing a 10K so she gets the dubious job of spraying it on my back and buttock. I lie face down on the bed, shirt pulled up, trousers pulled  down a bit on one side, but not too far. She is my daughter after all. I told her where to spray and she did.

Suddenly I realise the spray has trickled in to my arse crack.

‘My anus is on fire!’

I jump up (faster than I’ve moved in weeks)and  as I stand up, more of the liquid trickles down in to my nether regions. I try bending forwards to halt it, and hobble towards the bathroom, legs getting tangled in my falling trousers. Holy shit. Ring of fire has nothing on this. I desperately try to wash the stuff off but water appears to inflame it. It feels like my whole pudenda will ignite. Two ice cold flannels later and things are starting to calm down in the nether regions.

‘It says you have to repeat the spray 15 minutes later’ shouts my daughter in to the bathroom, barely controlling her laughter.

‘Fuck off’.


14 Responses to “Some things are best left to professionals”

  1. A few years back… maybe 1978, while at the showers after a basketball game, I mistakely took one of those bottles thinking it was deodorant and sprayed it all over my body, and I mean ALL. The result was similar. Hate “Reflex” since then….

  2. Vicky Says:

    Just too funny, although the speed you moved into the bathroom must have dislodged something!! LOL

  3. Perianne Says:

    Owie! Thank you for the morning laugh. Ahhh, the fun the family gets to see and now you can share with the world. 😉

  4. Hannah F Says:

    Laughing out loud at this one Sarah, sorry. Have been loving the blogs.

  5. Janet Says:

    OOH nasty! (but v funny). Hope you get well soon xx

  6. kate Says:

    hahaha had me laughing out loud! (sorry!) xx

  7. georgiemcclarke Says:

    Hahahaha that had me laughing so much at my computer screen! Can’t wait to see you later xxx

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